


OF ANGRY ELVES AND MOUTHY MERCENARIES

by Karl5



Series: Kurt Darkholme Story Arc [2]
Category: Logan/Kurt - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-05 07:15:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karl5/pseuds/Karl5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt Darkholme and Wade Wilson get to know each other better, among other activities.</p>
            </blockquote>





	OF ANGRY ELVES AND MOUTHY MERCENARIES

**Author's Note:**

> I listed this as Logan/Kurt Fandom so that it would appear with the other stories in this story arc, but Logan is not in this particular story.
> 
> Set several days after Bobby’s death in UXF #24, and prior to what happened in Deadpool #50-54. Also prior to Betsy and Fantomex’s departure from X-Force in #25.
> 
> Many thanks to Sundowhn, who corrected some of my German and gave me several excellent suggestions, especially for Deadpool.

**OF ANGRY ELVES AND MOUTHY MERCENARIES**

**DARKHOLME**

**A couple of days after I had killed Bobby, I was still feeling the effects of the beating I had taken.  My eye was no longer so swollen that I couldn’t see, but it wasn’t willing to open all the way yet either.  Much of my face would surely have been black and blue, if it hadn’t been blue already.  The rest of my body hadn’t taken as much damage as my face, fortunately.**

**I’d just finished a cautious workout and had cleaned up and changed into sweatpants and a T shirt, but I still felt restless.  Although the sun was going down, I wasn’t ready for bed yet.  Perhaps If Logan hadn’t gone off to check on his School, I might have approached him for some sex, but that wasn’t an option and I just wasn’t in the mood to jerk myself off.**

**Maybe some quiet time watching the sunset up on top of the butte that held Cavern X?  Ja, that would be just the thing.  A few beers and some solitude.  Some time to think as the day ended.  Maybe a bit of quiet meditation, to clear from my mind the memory of the hideous screams of a man who had once been my friend.**

**Grabbing up a six pack of beer and a sweatshirt against the chill of the desert night, I ‘ported up to my favorite place on top of the butte.**

**Imagine my dismay when I found it was already occupied – by Wade Wilson.**

**WADE**

**I** **knew who it was the moment I heard that noise he makes when he appears from out of nowhere.**

**_Damn, not him again!  Can’t a guy get a little privacy around here?  I was hoping to treat myself to a nice handjob._ **

  **Hey, come on!  You know we like to needle him.  Lighten up.  Could be fun.**

_**Yeah.  I guess.** _

 

  **So I turned around and greeted him cheerfully.  “Well, if it’s not the Angry Elf.  Glad to see ya.  Pull up a chair.”  Waving my arm in a grandiose gesture, I indicated the expanse of rocky space around us.  “Well, pull up a rock might be a better suggestion.”**

**He didn’t even crack a smile, but then his face was still pretty banged up, so maybe it hurt too much to smile.  At first, I thought he was going to just leave in the usual puff of smoke, but he didn’t.  Instead, he pulled on the sweatshirt he had in his hand, then walked over to the very edge of the cliff and sank down into a crouch, screwing the top off of one of his beer bottles and taking a deep swallow of the stuff before he spoke, his back to me.**

**“Vhat are you doing here, Vade?”**

**“Enjoying the sunset, of course.  Just like you are, but without the booze.  Whatsa matter?  Trying to drown your sorrows? Or is this a celebration of your victory over the late, but unlamented, Iceman from your world?”**

**His only reply was a disgusted snort, as he continued to stare off into the glare of the lowering sun, which was just about to touch the ragged outline of the horizon.  A scattering of thin clouds in the western sky suggested it could turn into a colorful sunset.**

**“Hey, you should be happy, seeing as how you scored a hit on your first target.  Melting the Iceman!  What an idea!  Wish I could’ve been there to see it.”**

**“If you had heard him scream, you vould not say that.”**

**There was something about his voice that let me know I had hit a nerve.  “Do I hear a hint of sorrow?  Remorse?”**

**“He vas once a good friend of mine.”**

**“Well, if that’s how you treat your friends, then I’d really appreciate it if you’d count me as an enemy,” I replied, laughing.**

**“Death is not funny.”**

**“Maybe not to you, but I think it’s pretty hilarious.  Even funnier when it’s someone you don’t like at all.  I’m sure the son-of-a-bitch deserved every minute of it.”**

**“Halt’s Maul, Schweinhund,” he growled menacingly.**

**I laughed again, then moved over next to him and sat down with my legs dangling over the sheer cliff.  “Come off it, pal.  You think I don’t know that’s a nasty name you just called me, not to mention that it’s also a very impolite way to tell me to please keep my mouth shut?”**

**He still wasn’t looking at me, but I saw him frown in profile.**

**“Leck mich, Arschloch.”**

**“I know that one too.  Thanks for the invite, but I really don’t think we know each other well enough for me to want to lick your ass.  But be careful what you ask for.  You just may get it.”**

**“Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” he asked, with the first hint of actual interest I had heard in his voice so far.  He may even have glanced sideways at me, but with those blank eyes, who can tell for sure?**

**“Can’t say I sprechen it very good, but I make it my business to know choice insults in various languages.  Never know when you might need one, nicht wahr?”**

**"Scheisskopf!"**

**“Naughty, naughty!  I know that one too.”**

**“Mein Gott, first Logan and now you!  Does the entire X-Force know German?!” he exclaimed, sounding very exasperated.**

**“Don’t worry.  Like I said, I only know the common cusswords.”**

**_That’s a lie!  We speak pretty damn good German._ **

  **So?  He doesn’t need to know that.**

 

**Without missing a beat, I continued, “If you tried reciting a couple of verses from the Bible, I seriously doubt I’d know what you were saying.  But then, I don’t guess someone who looks like you would be quoting the Bible, would you, Elf?”**

**He turned to look at me at last.  Fire flared in those eerie red eyes.  For a moment, I thought he was about to toss me over the edge of the cliff.  Then he got himself under control.**

**“I have told you many times not to call me Elf,” he said in a tone as buttoned down as a businessman’s shirt collar.  Yeah, I was getting to him, all right.**

**I held up my hands in mock defense.  “OK, OK, you don’t like to be called Elf!  I got that.  So what should I call you?”**

**“Darkholme vill do.”**

**“Nah, I like nicknames better than real names.  Let’s see now:  how about we switch around the two middle letters of Kurt, then stick an “A” in the middle?” using my fingers to demonstrate what I was doing in mid-air.**

**Pretending to study the word I had created, I finally nodded.  “Yeah, that’s a good one.  Given your accent and all, it suits you better than Elf anyway.  I’ll call you -- Kraut.”**

**He just closed his eyes and heaved a huge sigh.**

**“What?” I asked, all innocence.  “You don’t like that?  OK, maybe I was wrong.  You’re definitely a Kraut, but maybe you’re not an elf; maybe you’re really a fairy.  Shall I call you Fairy?”**

**“Und vhat do you mean by that?”  His voice was as cold as the skin of the man he had recently killed.**

**“Would you understand it better in German?” I answered lightly.  “Sie sind ein Hinterlader.  There.  Is that clear enough?”**

**I figured that obscene and insulting way of calling him a faggot would set him off, but instead he only looked at me calmly and replied,  “Sie sind verrückt.”**

**“Yeah, I know I’m crazy.  So what’s new about that?  Come on, tell me which nickname you like best and I’ll use it.  I promise.”  I made the cross my heart and hope to die gesture.**

**He shook his head disgustedly.  Once again staring out at the colors that had begun spreading across the sky, he asked mildly, “Vould you like to hear a story?”**

**“Uh -- yeah.  I’ll bite.”**

**“Vhen I vas quite young, there vas someone who vould tickle me in order to make me laugh.  I vas a very serious child und did not vant to laugh.  She knew that, but did it anyway, just to annoy me.  One day, I simply made up my mind that it vould no longer bother me.  I vould not laugh.”**

**“So what happened?”**

**“After a few tries, she gave up.  It vas no longer any fun.”  He fixed me with a steady glare from those red-glowing eyes.  “I have decided that it vill no longer matter vhat you call me.  So go ahead.  Call me Elf, if you vish, or call me Fairy, or call me Kraut.  Macht nichts.”**

**“It doesn’t matter, huh?  Well, shit!  And I was having so much fun.  How about if I just call you Spoilsport?”**

**He snorted and shrugged.**

“ **Okay, I know when I’ve been shot down.  I’ll just stick with Kraut, since you don’t seem to care.”**

**“Haven’t you figured out that it is not possible to insult someone by calling them something they are proud to be?”**

**“Hmph!  Why should you be proud to be German?”**

**“Vell, for one thing, in my vorld, Europe, unlike America, vas not ruled by Apocalypse.”**

**“Whoopie-Do!  Unless that was your doing, there’s no reason to take credit for having been born there.”**

**He frowned.  “My mother vas involved in smuggling people to safety in Avalon, so I knew early on vhat vas happening in the outside vorld, und my sympathies vere vith the resistance.”**

**“Your mother, huh?  Is that the one we know as Mystique?”**

**“Ja, natürlich.”**

**“I’ve met her.  Why doesn’t she have an accent like yours?”**

**“She’s not only a shapeshifter, but she can also imitate the voice of vhatever form she has taken.  That being the case, she’s able to easily adopt any accent she vishes.  I don’t have that talent.  I learned English as a second language, so it is not natural to me, even now.  Besides, I like the accent.  It reminds people around here that I am from another continent.”**

**“So it sort of makes you a living embodiment of the fact that things are better in Europe, even in your wretched world, right?”**

**“Ja.  I could probably lose the accent if I tried, but I do not vant to.”**

**“Uh-huh.  Makes you better than the rest of those poor dupes who had to live with Apocalypse.”**

**“Not necessarily better, but certainly different.  In my vorld, Germany is a country to be proud of.”**

**“Even with the history you guys had with Hitler?  Or didn’t that happen in your universe?”**

**“It happened.  But ve have redeemed ourselves since then.”**

**“OK, Kraut, I get it.”  We spent a few minutes admiring the blazing colors in the sky before I went on to needle him further.  “But I still know what’s going on between you and our fearless leader.”**

**“Und vhat is that supposed to mean?”**

**“Means ole Logan is fucking you, that’s what.”**

**“Und vhy vould you think that?”**

**“Well, for starters, I heard that Logan took Kurt’s death pretty hard, if they were only friends.  Then there were some rumors floating around that those two had something going on, if ya know what I mean.”**

**I gave him a meaningful look, then cocked my head sideways and smirked.  “On top of all that,** **I’ve seen** **how the boss man looks at you when you aren't looking."**

**I was going out on a limb a little ways here.  Although I was pretty sure it was true, I wanted to get him to admit it.**

**He snorted disdainfully.  “Vell, you are half right anyvay.”**

**“To quote what you just said, ‘Und vhat’s that supposed to mean?’”**

**“Very simple.  Means sometimes Logan is fucking me, und other times I’m fucking him.”**

**That gave me pause.  I honestly didn’t think it would be so easy for him to admit it, and not quite like that.  “Oh.  OK.  Maybe you’ve got more balls than I’m giving you credit for, if you can make the Wolverine bend over and pick up the soap.”**

**“I don’t make him.  He likes it as much as I do.”**

**“Is that so?”**

**“Ja.  That is so.  So vhat?”**

**“So, does that make you two lovers?”**

**“Nein.  Ve are just vhat you vould call fuck buddies.  There is no emotional attachment beyond that.”**

**"So you say.  What does Logan say about it?"**

**“I don’t know.  I haven’t bothered to ask him.”**

**“Kind of a cold fish, ain’t ya?”**

**He fixed me with a hard stare before he replied.  I could practically see the flames that stoked the fire behind those glowing red eyes.  “In this line of vork, ve have to be cold, nicht wahr?”**

**“Yeah, guess you’ve got a point there.”  I shrugged.  “I’m no romantic myself.”  I broke away from his glare to glance quickly down over my body.  “Now, considering what I look like underneath this outfit, there’s no one who’d bother to want me, romantically or otherwise.”**

**_Yeah, that’s it.  Understated self-degradation.  Let him think he should pity you.  Maybe it’ll make him curious.  Maybe he’ll offer us a mercy fuck._ **

**** ** Would you take his pity?  I thought you had more pride. **

**_Oh, I do.  But it would be better than nothing.  There really is a sort of sexiness about him.  Especially sitting crouched like that, with his legs spread so far apart._ **

****

**I eyed the crotch of those sweatpants he was wearing, wondering briefly what was under them.**

 

  **Probably a cock as blue as he is.**

**_Yeah, but is it all furry, like a dog’s?_ **

** Hell, how should I know? **

**_Maybe we can find out._ **

** You don’t mean that.  Do you?**

**_Maybe I do.  Logan sure ain’t no sissy and he seems to be enjoying the Elf_.**

**  Hmm.  Maybe you’ve got a point there.**

**_Not real sure how to get into his pants though_.**

** Oh, I think we could find a way, if we put our mind to it.**

**DARKHOLME**

**Not much of Wade is visible in that outfit he wears except his eyes, but I could see out of the corner of my own eyes exactly what he was looking at when he glanced over at me, without him realizing I could notice.  Was it possible he wanted to have sex with me?  What is it with the people in this world?  Are they all sexually frustrated or just constantly horny?**

**Then again, what would it be like, with someone like Wade?  Was there anything I could do to him without totally disgusting myself?  Or anything he could do to me?  I could tell that my curiosity was starting to get the better of my judgement, but was that necessarily bad?  I do rather like him.  He can be irritating at times, but I admire his courage, and he does have some pretty good moves.  I don’t think he’s as inane as he pretends to be either.  Many of his remarks contain a certain amount of sardonic humor, not to mention an occasional acute insight.  I think there’s more to him than he shows to others, but I don’t know quite what it is.  Might be interesting to try to find out what’s behind his mask, both figuratively and literally.**

**But then, we all wear masks, don’t we?  Well, literally speaking, I don’t.  However, a man can be wearing an impenetrable mask even if his face is completely visible to others.  I should know.  I’ve done it all my life.  Sometimes I even think I’ve hidden from myself, in an effort to survive the unsurvivable.**

**WADE**

**The silence stretched rather uncomfortably between us as the sun disappeared further below the jagged horizon.  I wondered what he was thinking.**

**“You realize that we’re all imaginary, don’t you?” I asked him.  “None of this is real.  I’m just making up the whole superhero fantasy thing.”**

**“Hmph!  Philosophers have been coming up vith that sort of nonsense for ages.  Granted, it’s pretty much impossible to actually prove one’s own existence, but that doesn’t change anything, as long as ve think ve exist.”**

**“No, really.  It’s all just my fantasy.”**

**He shrugged.  “Have it your vay.  But if it’s all your doing, couldn’t you make it a nicer fantasy vhile you’re at it?”**

**All right, he’s the first one to react that way when I tell them the truth about the world.  “Hmm.  Got to think on that for a while.”**

**“You do that.”**

**It got quiet again.  I don’t like quiet, not even with a beautiful sunset spreading across the sky.**

**“You remember the day we were in the Danger Room that looked like a bar?”**

**“Ja.  Vhat about it?”**

**“You might have thought you were impressing us with your derring-do and fighting skills, but you came across as nothing but a loud-mouthed blowhard.”**

**He hesitated a moment, then replied, “I guess I may have overdone it a little.”**

**I’d have looked pretty surprised at that casual admission, if he’d been able to see my face.  I had expected my insult to provoke rage or denial.**

**“Yeah, you kinda did,” I replied.  “But the swordplay was pretty damn good.”**

**He actually smiled.  Or maybe he just wanted an excuse to bare his fangs at me.**

**“Danke.”  He raised his bottle of beer to his mouth and drained it in a couple of swallows, then replaced the empty neatly in the cardboard holder.  Picking up a bottle, he held it out to me.  “You vant one?”**

**“Uh, yeah.  Thanks.”  He helped himself to another and opened it.  I did the same with mine, forcing myself not to hesitate when I lifted my mask far enough to allow me to drink.  I felt uncomfortable having part of my face exposed, so I covered my discomfort with a quip.**

**“Gonna try to get me drunk so you can have your way with me, Kraut?”**

**DARKHOLME**

**Wade’s voice said he was kidding, but the bulge of his uniform in the area of his crotch said otherwise.  It can be very useful to have no visible pupils in one’s eyes, as other people cannot tell precisely what you’re looking at.**

**Taking a swig of my beer, I turned and faced him directly.  “Maybe.  It all depends.”**

**He took the bait, asking,  “On what?”**

**“Vhether or not you vish to be taken advantage of.”**

**“Ha!  I’m almost as hard to get drunk as Logan is, since I’ve got a healing factor also, even if it can’t seem to get rid of the cancer that keeps trying to eat me up.”  He cocked his beer bottle at my face.  “Too bad you don’t have one, huh?  It would come in handy about now.”**

**He had a point there.  My right eye was still swollen half-closed.  “I’ll be fine,” I retorted.  “Besides, I don’t think I’d need to get you drunk.  You vant me to fuck you as it is.”**

**“I – might be persuaded,” he replied, ostentatiously studying the bottle in his hand.  “It’s been a long time.  Gorgeous girls don’t exactly stand in line to tear my clothes off, since the word is out about what they’ll find underneath.”**

**“So you’re maybe desperate enough to make do vith a handsome devil like me?”**

**“Maybe.  If you think you can handle it.”**

**I shrugged.  “You can stop bitching und moaning about how awful you look.  In my vorld, you vere not so careful to keep your face covered, so I have a pretty good idea of vhat’s underneath your uniform.  I’ve seen raw hamburger that vas more appealing.”**

  **“Really?  You knew me?  Uh – him?”**

**“Ja.”  I nodded.  “You vere called Dead Man Wade.  Und you are indeed dead in my vorld, since I killed you.”**

**“Did you?  Ohh, I’m afraid.”**

**“It vas easy.  I teleported his head off.”**

**“Yeah, I’ve seen you try that trick a few times here.  I didn’t think our Elf could choose to port just part of someone’s body.”**

**“Maybe he just never tried.  I realized I could do it fairly early on.  All it takes is concentrating hard enough on vhat I intend to take along und vhat I intend to leave behind.  If I don’t do that, the entire person or object that I’m touching automatically comes vith me.  First time I tried it vith a living person, I took his finger off.  Your head vas more complicated, as I had to make multiple ports in order to hide it in a crater outside Avalon so no one could find it und re-attach it quickly enough.”  I shrugged.  “Not that there vas anyone around who might have done that, but I had to be sure.”**

**“And it worked?”**

**“If he survived, I never found out about it.”  I drank more of my beer.  “You vere crazier in my vorld.  Und more dangerous in that craziness than you are here.  It seemed as if you thought you vere doing people a favor by killing them.”**

**I shrugged.  “At least here, the only one you seem to vant to kill is yourself, if you could figure out a vay to do it.”**

**“Hell, wouldn’t you want to also, if you looked like me?”**

**“Perhaps.  But I do not look like you, Gott sei Dank!”**

**“For someone who has no use for Christianity, you take God’s name in vain a lot.”**

**I shook my head.  “It is an expression, nothing more.  But ve vere not discussing God.”**

**WADE**

**“If I remember correctly, we were discussing sex.”**

**“Ja.”**

**“It’s been ages since I’ve screwed anyone,” I said nonchalantly. “Hell, I don’t even like to look at myself in the mirror without my clothes on.”**

**That last bit about the mirror is really true, so I’m sure it sounded entirely convincing.**

** No, it sounded pathetic, that’s all.  He’s never going to believe you, much less react the way you want him to.} **

**_Why not?  He’s got to know how it feels to have people revolted by his appearance, after all.  Not everyone wants to cuddle up with a blue devil whose eyes glow, you know._ **

**** ** Keep telling yourself that, loser.  If it’s a choice between both of you stark naked, I say the devil wins hands down. **

**_Hey, whose side are you on, anyway?_ **

****

**“There are things I am villing to do vith my hands that I may not vish to do vith other parts of my body,” the Kraut replied calmly.**

**I knew he was trying to project less interest than he really felt, since his sweatpants hadn’t gotten any flatter since the last time I looked.**

**_I’ve got him now!  I’m gonna have the Big Bad Wolverine’s boy toy!_ **

**** ** Is that what this is all about?  You just want to play with one of Logan’s toys? **

**_Well, no.  I really am pretty horny, and he’s not too hard on the eyes, once you get used to him._ **

** Is that all? **

**_OK, OK!  So maybe I’m kind of lonely.  Maybe I want someone to desire me, as repulsive as I am.  I want someone to look beneath the surface and want me.  I admit it.  Are you satisfied now?_ **

**** ** Uh-huh.  Just wanted to make sure you know how crazy you are, that’s all.  No one’s going to do that. **

**_I wouldn’t be so sure of that, if I were you.]_ **

**** ** You are me, remember? **

**_Oh yeah.  Thanks for the reminder._ **

****

**DARKHOLME**

**After a moment’s hesitation, Wade asked, “Like what?”**

**“Logan has taught me very vell how to find a man’s prostate, vith or vithout using mein Schwanz.”  I paused to see if he knew the obscene double meaning of the word for tail.  I was fairly certain he knew much more German than he let on, especially since he had used the proper version of “you” earlier in our conversation.  Someone who only learned the curse words wouldn’t be likely to have studied the finer points of pronoun usage.**

**”Um.  If I understand you correctly, I wouldn’t mind if you didn’t use your tail to locate my prostate, in the literal meaning of that word.  The slang meaning would be okay, but not absolutely necessary.  I’d settle for a finger, if that’s all that’s being offered.  Like I said, I know I’m not exactly Mr. America.  Beggars can’t be choosers.”**

**Despite his self-deprecating words, I knew better.  He’s no beggar, and he knows it.  But I don’t think I’ll tell him I know it too.  At least not yet.**

**“So, since you have the same sort of healing factor that Logan has, does that mean ve don’t have to vorry about catching anything from each other?”**

**“How do you figure that?”**

**“Simple.  If I have any disease, und you catch it from me, your body vill just cure it.  On the other hand, anything you might have been exposed to in the past vill have already been dealt vith by now, so I’m safe also.  Therefore, ve don’t have to bother vith the usual precautions.”**

**“But what about the cancer?  My healing factor never cured that.”**

**“So vhat?  Cancer isn’t sexually transmitted.”**

**“Yeah.  Why didn’t I think of that?”**

**“Maybe because you haven’t had any reason to think of it until now, if vhat you’ve been telling me is true?” he suggested.**

**“Oh goodie!  That means we can have unsafe sex and still be perfectly safe!  Aren’t we just such lucky guys?” Then I frowned.  “Wait a minute, what about with girls?”**

**“Vhat about it?  You could still get a girl pregnant, but that’s about all.”**

**He smiled and tapped his beer bottle against mine, as if proposing a toast.  “In that case, here’s to many more years of unsafe sex.”**

**He grinned and upended his bottle into his mouth, as did I.**

**WADE**

**We both drank down the rest of our beers.  I was about to toss the empty over the edge of the cliff, but he took it out of my hand and replaced it in the cardboard carrier.**

**I couldn’t help but laugh.**

**“Vhat’s so funny?” he asked, taking the last full bottle and opening it.**

**“You Krauts are so damn orderly.  Can’t even stand tossing away bottles.”**

**“That is not vhere they belong.  They belong back in the container, so they can be properly recycled later on.”**

**“That’s exactly what I mean.  Alles in Ordnung should be tattoed on all your foreheads.”**

**He actually laughed at that, taking a swig of beer and then handing the bottle to me so I could have some.  “You know, Vade, for once you got something right.”**

**“Whadya mean, for once?  I’m right a lot.”**

**“Ja.  But I’m German, so I’m alvays right.”**

**I knew he was kidding by the tone of his voice as he repossessed the beer bottle once more and darn near drained it dry.**

**_It’s working.  He’s getting drunk.]_ **

** Tell me something I don’t know. **

**_Push your advantage.  Act drunk yourself so you can catch him off guard._ **

**** ** Off guard?  I don’t think this dude is ever off guard. **

**_Go on. Try it._ **

****

**** **“Alvays right, huh?  Even vhen you’re wrong?”  I let my voice slur a little, while doing a deliberately poor imitation of his accent.**

**“Ja.  Especially vhen I am wrong,” he agreed, almost jovially.**

**He gave me back the bottle and I finished it off.  With exaggerated care, I replaced it alongside the others.**

**“There.  Now everything’s in order once again, ja?” I asked innocently.**

**“Ja wohl, mein Herr,” he replied.  Then he leaned over and kissed me directly on my mouth, which was still uncovered.**

**DARKHOLME**

**Wade might have thought the alcohol was affecting me, but I’ve been drinking beer since I was a child.  All I really wanted to do was take him by surprise, and prove that I wasn’t all that squeamish, even if it meant kissing his lumpy and misshapen lips.  In my life, I’ve seen many things far worse than Wade Wilson’s body.**

**I kissed him hard and brutally, deliberately allowing my fangs to cut his lip.**

**While he was still recovering from his surprise, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him a little ways back from the edge of the butte and down, so that we were both lying on our sides, then I broke free of the embrace and flipped over so that I was behind him.  With my right hand, I searched for the top of his uniform pants beneath that heavy-duty utility belt he always wears.**

**Hey, what’re you –” he started to protest.**

**“For once in your life, try to keep that big mouth of yours shut for a vhile.  Und bend your knees a little, if you vant me to do this.”  By then I had his ass exposed, even though I had left the front of his pants still tucked in, only stretching the fabric down past his buttocks in the back.  Predictably, his ass was just as lumpy and misshapen as his lower face.  Not a big deal.  I expected that.**

**I ran the tips of my fingers over his rear, very gently, almost as if I wanted to tickle him.  In my experience, some people like that sort of touch, others just start to laugh.  He didn’t laugh.  I teased him like that for a few minutes, then placed my hand flat against him, rubbing harder and more forcefully, feeling the hard muscles tighten beneath his ravaged skin.  Oh yes, he liked this.  No question about it.**

**As I used my thumb and third finger to spread his ass cheeks while rubbing my middle finger down his cleft, he inhaled sharply, then relaxed with a moan.  Before actually touching his anus, I put my hand in front of his face, pressing two fingers against his mouth.  “Suck on them.  Get them vet.”**

**As he obeyed enthusiastically, I added, “I’m sorry I’ve got nothing better than this to use for lubrication.  My fingers are somevhat thicker und longer than average.”**

**“ ’S OK,” he replied as well as he could, considering he had a mouthful of blue fur and fingernails.  “ ’M no sissy.”**

**In any case, I reminded myself, I couldn’t do any damage to him that he couldn’t heal.**

**I started gently, rubbing a fingertip around and across his anus and perineum in order to get him ready and spreading the saliva around as much as possible.  When I’d done the best I could, I spit on my finger and placed the tip of the middle one against his anal sphincter and pressed into the opening, gently and steadily at first, then harder, until I felt my finger slide through.**

**I could feel the slick lining of his rectum.  For a while, I just slid that one finger back and forth, twisting it a little now and then.  He seemed to be handling that fairly well, although I still wished I had more lube.  When things felt loose enough, I added another finger and began slowly working my way deeper, trying to locate his prostate.**

**I realized then that my hand was turned in the wrong direction because I was lying behind him, so I couldn’t just curl my fingers, I had to use the back of my knuckles to feel where I was.  I figured that would work, given that my fingers are a bit longer than average.  It was harder to be sure that way, but at last I thought I felt the telltale bulge of the gland against the front surface of his rectum.**

**I was right.  As soon as I touched that sensitive spot, his whole body tensed up and he exclaimed rather loudly, “Oh shit!”**

**I grinned to myself.  I had him now.  It was just a matter of time before he’d come, and come hard.**

**WADE**

**My first impression when his fingers went in was that it’s rather like taking a very satisfying shit, but in reverse.  In fact, as I got used to it, it started to feel nice.  When he pushed in even further, it still felt pretty damn nice, but it was kinda weird to know that something was traveling the wrong way up my exit ramp.**

**All of a sudden, it got way better!  I wasn’t prepared for the pure thrill of pleasure that shot through me, and then kept going, in delicious spasms each time his fingers moved against that sensitive place with a rhythmic stroking motion.  The feeling was at once familiar and yet new, not quite like the same way sex had always felt before, but not all that different either, just more intense.  In the space of a few seconds, it became that quivering sensation of impending ecstasy right before the final explosion: wonderful but almost unendurable at one and the same time.**

**Then something hard and flat pressed firmly down on my crotch, putting pressure on my stiff cock through the thin fabric of my uniform pants and started rubbing against me.  I wondered for only a split second what it was before I realized it had to be the end of that devil’s tail of his.  Then everything inside me went crazy with ecstatic convulsions as I pumped out my cum, screaming out loud some words that never even registered in my mind.  It went on at least twice as long as it ever had before and seemed to involve more of my body than just my cock.**

**As the spasms diminished, I was left lying there gasping for breath.**

**DARKHOLME**

**When he bellowed, “Oh, dear God!” I almost laughed, since Wade had teased me not long ago about calling on a deity I didn’t believe existed.**

**With my tail pressed tight against his crotch, I could feel the jerking of his cock, not to mention the wetness spreading through the thin fabric of his pants.**

**As he began to recover, I realized my own cock was still hard and wishing for some relief of its own.  It occurred to me that maybe I should have used something other than just my fingers.  Ah well, too late now.**

**I slowly retrieved my cramping fingers from the hot embrace of his ass, then rolled over onto my back, staring at the darkening sky above us.  A few bright stars lay scattered across the sky as the colorful sunset retreated into the west.  Idly, I reached down to my aching groin and started rubbing my erection.**

**Still breathing hard, Wade turned over to face me.  A gloved hand pushed my hand aside and took over massaging my crotch.  I almost pulled away and jumped to my feet, but squelched that impulse before it could happen.**

**“Vhat are you doing?”**

**“I should think that would be pretty obvious, Kraut.  One good turn, as they say, deserves another.”**

**“You don’t have to --”**

**“Shut up, dummkopf,” he replied, as his other hand took hold of the waist of my sweatpants.  “I’m going to put that big mouth of mine to a use other than making clever remarks.  Never done it before, but I know how this works from being on the receiving end now and then.”  He propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at me.  “Unless you’ve got any objections?”**

**In reply, I lifted my hips enough for him to pull my sweatpants down below my hips.  My underwear quickly joined them.  I closed my eyes and laid my head back on the still-warm rock, feeling the cool breeze on my engorged genitals.**

**It was quickly replaced by a delicious warm wetness.**

**WADE**

**_It’s not furry at all, just blue._ **

**** ** What’s the matter, you disappointed? **

**_No, not really.  It would be somewhat disconcerting to have fur in my mouth.  Might tickle the back of my throat and make me gag._ **

** I guess this isn’t making you gag, huh? **

**_Not at all.  Kind of like sucking on a giant-size nipple._ **

**** ** Hmph.  You might feel that way now, but you aren’t going to like it when he jams it further down your throat. **

**_Oh, I think I can handle it.  He’s not all that big, you know._ **

**** ** Yeah, he is.  It’s just that your mouth is bigger.  Why’re you doing this anyway? **

**_Always wondered how it would feel to suck another guy’s dick.  Figured this was my chance._ **

**** ** Great!  Next you’ll be trying to tell me that we’re gay! **

**_No, of course we're not.  This is just – an experiment.  Yeah, that’s it.  We’re experimenting.  That’s all._ **

** Just keep telling yourself that, asshole.  I hope you choke on it when he shoots his load down your throat.  Going to happen any time now, you know.} **

DARKHOLME

**Wade might have been a bit clumsy with his technique, but I wasn’t about to complain.  I would have pulled out when I felt myself starting to come, but by then his hands were clenched around my hips, pulling me tight up against his face.  He clearly had no intention of letting me loose, so I thrust up hard into that tight hot tunnel and let go, feeling him swallow everything I could give him.**

**As the last spasms faded out and that always-so-incredibly- unbelievable pleasure died away, my eyelids fluttered open and I saw the stars spread out above us in the clear dark sky of the open desert.**

**“Mein Gott!” I gasped, having never before seen such a glorious display in my entire life.**

**Wade’s voice cut through my surprise.  “Was I that good?”**

**“No.  Uh – yes – I mean, are the stars alvays like this out here?”**

**“Sure.  All the time.  Especially before the moon rises, like tonight.  Haven’t you ever seen it before?”**

**“No.  I’ve only been up here during the day.”**

**He propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at me.  “What’s wrong with your eyes?  They’re gold, not red.”**

**“Oh.  Nothing.  Happens sometimes.  They’ll be red again soon.”  I waved a hand negligently, as if to dismiss the subject of my eyes.  I was still fascinated by the spectacle of a sky unbesmirched with smog and pollution.  The stars were as thick as snowflakes in a blizzard, and they all glittered, some brightly, some barely visible.  I could make out faint hints of color in their lights.  It was almost as if I could fall out and into them, if I kept looking too long.**

**Overwhelmed by this apparently ordinary glory, I closed my eyes and shook my head slowly in wonderment.  So that’s what stars should look like!  Lieber Gott im Himmel!  What awesome beauty!  If only my own world could look like this.**

**A sudden sense of shame washed over me, as I remembered telling Bobby that I would have burned this whole world down just in order to kill him.  I had been maddened by rage when I said that.  Now, I think differently.  This world is far too beautiful to be destroyed for the sake of one man’s revenge, however justified that revenge might seem to be.**

**A cool breeze once again wafted across my exposed groin, reminding me that the sun was long gone and the night was turning cold.  I hitched up my pants as I sat up.  Then I stood, reaching down a hand to Wade.  “Come on.  I’ll ‘port us back inside the Cavern.”**

**“Wait a minute there, Kraut.  Let me grab up these empty beer bottles first.”**

**“You really didn’t have to do all that, you know,” I said to Wade, as he retrieved the container.**

**“Do what?  Pick up the empties?”  He grinned widely.**

**“No.  You know perfectly vell vhat I mean:  you didn’t have to try to make me sorry for you because of how you look.”**

**“Hey, I just figured you knew the feeling of being turned down for that same reason.”  His voice was too light, as if he wanted to downplay what he was saying.**

**“That hasn’t been my experience at all.  Quite the opposite, in fact.”**

**“Oh.”**

**“I’d have done it anyvay.”**

**He took my offered hand.**

 

**WADE**

**The blue smoke cleared around us and that disorienting feeling faded away, leaving us standing in one of the corridors, still holding hands.**

**_Looks like you’ve outsmarted yourself this time, Wilson._ **

** Yeah, looks that way.  But we got what we wanted, didn’t we? **

“Kraut?”

“Ja?”

**Do you think –ah – we could do that again, sometime?”**

**GERMAN TRANSLATION**

**Halt's Maul, Schweinhund!      Shut up, pig-dog!**

**Leck mich, Arschloch!  Lick me (short for Lick my ass), asshole!**

**Sprechen Sie Deutsch?    Do you speak German?**

**Scheisskopf    Shit head.**

**Kraut    Derogatory term for a German person (in case you’re too young to remember that from during the last World War.)**

**Sie sind ein Hinterlader.     You’re a faggot.**

**Sie sind verrückt.      You’re crazy.**

**Macht nichts     Doesn’t matter/doesn’t make any difference**

**Ja, natürlich     Yes, certainly**

**nicht wahr?      Isn’t that so?**

**Danke      Thanks**

**Gott sei Dank    Thank God!**

**mein Schwanz      my tail (obscene: my penis)**

**Alles in Ordnung       Everything is in order.**

**Jawohl, mein Herr      Yes indeed, my good sir.**

**Dummkopf      Dummy**

**Lieber Gott im Himmel!      Dear God in Heaven!**

**mein Freund    my friend (but you knew that already, didn’t you?)**

MY LOGURT STORIES  
STORY ARC – Movieverse  
In the Beginning . . .  
After X-2, Kurt is considering what to do next. My slant on how he gets involved in the climax of X-3, then finds himself attracted to Logan despite his own religious issues. They take a very interesting vacation on Cape Cod, in order to spend time together and try to resolve what they want from each other, if anything.  
Please note that this story contains many links to real places on the Cape, but the links don’t always work reliably, so if you want to see them, you may need to copy/paste the URLs.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091204&chapter=1  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040785 

Morning Devotions  
It’s almost 2 years after the Battle of the Golden Gate Bridge. In addition to being an X-Man, Kurt has recently begun teaching classes at the School.  
Please note that this is the original short prologue for this entire story arc, which was written long before “In the Beginning” was even imagined. While the prologue is rather tame as far as sex is concerned, the succeeding stories will more than make up for this lack. Each story can be read alone, but they are better in order. See the AO3 version of Something a Little Different, which includes Morning Devotions as a prolog.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090821 

Something a Little Different  
When Logan wakes Kurt up in the middle of the night, Kurt just figures he wants the usual sex. But tonight, Logan wants something a little different.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090822  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040865  
(AO3 is the combined version of Morning Devotions and this story)

As the Twig is Bent  
Wie der Zweig gebogen wird , so wächst der Baum. As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.  
And Herr Grüber has long-range plans for the resulting tree.  
Logan pushes Kurt into revealing some of the dark secrets of his childhood.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090851  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040877 

PRAY FOR US SINNERS  
More secrets, from both Kurt’s past and Logan’s present.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090852  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040902 

With Nothing on My Tongue  
Logan is off somewhere trying to decide what direction he wants his life to take, while Kurt waits anxiously for his return. After several months pass, he is almost ready to give up hope.  
Two very different women help him get through this difficult time, each in her own inimitable way.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090873  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040920 

You Win, Elf  
Logan returns to tell Kurt of his decision.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090894  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040930 

Hell Hath No Fury  
Someone from Logan’s past appears – and that someone plans to take revenge on the one who scorned him .  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090950  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1040948 

 

  
TWO SHORT STORIES WHICH COULD BE EITHER COMIC OR MOVIEVERSE

Let’s Pretend  
Just about any time after Kurt and Logan have been together for a while.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090964  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/965765 

 

Happy Birthday, Elf!  
On a certain day in November, Kurt receives a very special present. Just a bit of fluff. No Sex.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091000  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/989660 

 

  
COMICVERSE – Single stories that fit into X-Men comic issues. If you haven’t read the comic referenced after each title, the story may not make much sense to you.

HOPE X-Force #36  
Just before he dies, Kurt gives Hope a message to deliver to Logan.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090809  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/982644 

Revenge! Wolverine #15  
While Logan climbs the mountain to jump off yet again, he is visited by Kurt’s spirit.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090949  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/982648 

 

To Walk Away from Paradise Amazing X-Men: Quest for Nightcrawler #1-5 At the end of this series, we left Kurt sitting on the roof agonizing about having lost his soul. What if Logan didn’t leave him there alone after all? (If you haven’t read my Kurt Darkholme series, some of the references to past happenings in this story may be confusing.)  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1856817 

 

The Monster Ultimate X-Men Annual #2  
After Rogue tells a supposedly unconscious Kurt that he is truly a monster, Logan tries his best to convince him otherwise..  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090893  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/981587 

 

The Best You Can Hope For Astonishing X-Men # 44-47 & 59-61, X-treme X-Men # 1-13, Age of Apocalypse # 13 & 14, and X-Termination # 1+2  
James Howlett tells about his relationship with young Kurt Waggoner. As he tries to teach the boy what it means to be a hero, young Kurt has a lesson to teach him in return.  
No sex.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091203  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/979462 

COMICVERSE  
KURT DARKHOLME STORY ARC  
Der Doppelgänger Set between Uncanny X-Force #23 and #24  
Kurt Darkholme and Logan end up in bed together.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600090999  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091062 

 

Of Angry Elves and Mouthy Mercenaries Set several days after Bobby’s death in UXF #24, and prior to what happened in Deadpool #50-54. Also prior to Betsy and Fantomex’s departure from X-Force in #25.  
Kurt Darkholme and Wade Wilson get to know each other better, among other activities. 

http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091017  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091097 

 

Hinter Meine Masken (Behind My Masks) Takes place sometime after UXF-26 when they have a night free.  
Logan, Kurt Darkholme, and Deadpool deepen their involvement with each other.  
http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091081  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091306 

 

Vengeance Is Mine Uncanny X-Force #32-34  
After Kurt Darkholme betrays X-Force, he faces a private reckoning of his own . 

 

http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091156  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091373 

 

Say Very Softly After Astonishing X-Men #59  
Kurt Darkholme and Deadpool have one last fling. 

http://xmen.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600091183  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091440 

 

The Only Thing  
Set after the end of the X-Termination story arc  
What if Kurt Darkholme survives? 

http://xmen.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600091259  
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1091522

**Author's Note:**

> For any of my readers who enjoy stories involving male/male sex in general, I’ve started a series of ebooks on Amazon that is not fanfiction. It doesn’t involve Logan, Kurt, or any other superheroes, but my two main characters are heroes of a more everyday kind, each in his own way. You can find out more about it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00J75NJIE and http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00M0CZM3G


End file.
